I told myself that the “new me” would be more transparent and more honest and more real. But I find myself lost and hiding my feelings once again. Afraid to be one way or another. Faking the smiles, giving the façade of being okay. I’m not. I’m lost and unsure of everything in my life and it’s kinda scary.
Wait. Don’t get me wrong. I am strong for one reason, and one reason only. Well, two reasons. My girls.
I know what matters most. My girls. I know this and I am here for them. My girls are good, they’re happy and they’re thriving. They’re growing and changing every single day and I am here for it. Even when I’m not with them and I’m at work, I know that they check in with me, like no one else. Even though I must miss the every day moments while I’m at work providing for them, I know that when I get home and they sit with me, I get to breathe in their day and they save all the important stuff for me, the minute I walk through the door, and usually at the same time.
Nobody warned me about how heavy everything would feel and how lonely it would be as I pull my way through life. Please don’t confuse my venting for weakness, because weak, I am not. Maybe momentarily, but I always pull myself up and together. I just wonder…
When does it get to be about me? When do my feelings and my wants and needs come first? Will they ever? Every time I start to voice my wants and needs, I immediately feel selfish and unworthy. Will that ever change?
I’m using this platform as source of therapy, I’m venting and ranting and letting my emotions get the better of me, through my words for just a few minutes. Because, I’ll be very honest. I have no one to talk to about this, so you all get to be my ear, my shoulder, my snot rag. And now that I’ve gotten that off of my chest, back to work, back to the uncertainty, back to the creating a Summer schedule for my girls, back to planning a Summer of fun, back to looking at my budget, back to thinking about birthday gifts, back to fighting for what I deserve, back to life, back to reality.