I will always wonder...

When people say that time heals, they are mostly right. I think about my son every day, and sometimes my thoughts take me to different places and evoke different emotions. Tomorrow I am taking my girls to Disneyland for Mickey's Halloween Party and just a few minutes ago my imagination wandered away and I pictured my girls walking around Disneyland with their older brother standing right next to them. My son lived 13 hours and he passed away while in my arms, he would be 7 years old right now, and probably counting down the days to his 8th birthday on November 1st. I have a few photos of him that the nurses took for us and as I look at his little face, I think he would have been my one child who looks like me. 

It has gotten easier as the years have gone by and my daughters and husband fill my life up with everyday things. But sometimes I will hear someone call his name and it takes my breath away, or I will hear someone mention his birth date and my stomach will drop. I don't think that will ever change. As my daughters grow up and learn new things, I wonder what it would have been like on his first day of kindergarten or how handsome he would have looked for picture day. Our lives would have been so different if he stayed, we would all be different people right now. I know it's not good to dwell on the "what ifs?" I have learned that much over these years. But it's true, I will always wonder. 

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I am 1 in 4 women who have experienced the unimaginable loss. My faith that our Lord would get me through the hardest times is what got me where I am today. My two little girls and husband that drive me CRAZY are my blessings and knowing that my son is waiting for me, gives me comfort. I hope that when I share about my son and our loss, I can help someone who is going through the hardest time, see the light. Because, the light is there and it'll get brighter I promise.